Grand Master : Came Upon Me, Penis Colada
The head hasher. The chairman of the board. The big cheese. The HMFIC.
The guiding light. Gispert’s legacy. The GM is not simply a figure head for the hash, rather (s)he personifies the hash’s
character (or lack thereof.) (S)he leads with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly,
and through the hash officers, (s)he gives inspiration, direction, and vision to all. This position ranks only below Beermeister,
Songmeister, Hash Cash, Hash Flash in real importance to the hash.
On-Sec : Bent OvaBoard
Demi-god record keeper for the kennel. In the Sacred Book of the Hash, records who came at each trail and who hared the trail.
Obsesses over spreadsheets. Has OCD, or rather, CDO – with the letters in correct alphabetical order.
Religious Advisor : Dead Cell, Cop's Wives Matter, Cavity Search
(also known as the RA) Keeper of the faith and sacred Laws of Hashing. Enforcer of the scriptures.
This is the hasher who has seen the light (Bud light) and can taste in his soul the true spirit of Hashing. The religious advisor
spreads the word and inspires the zest and zeal of the hash in all participants. It is the job of the Religious Advisor to run
circle. (S)he are responsible for leading us in song as well as making sure that violators of hash traditions are punished with
down-downs. (S)he comes up with sufficiently plausible lies to cover any serious questions of propriety of actions within the hash.
It is best to avoid eye contact with them during circle.
Hare Raiser : CUM Muter
The Hare Raiser makes sure that there’s a hare (or hares) for each hash, and that the start location is
known to the wanker well in advance of hash day for publicity purposes. As hare raiser, (s)he is responsible
for helping to train new hares to lay trail properly.
Haberdasher : Pic of the Litter, Cockaleeki, Dogs over Dicks
This is a person who has a flair for fashion, a head for business (who said head?), and the showmanship of
P.T. Barnum. (S)he’s responsible for the design, procurement, warehousing, merchandising, and vending of items of apparel and various
trinkets to the hash. Prior flea market or circus midway experience preferred.
Beermeister : Yank My Doodle Dandy, Spotted Dick, I'd Pork Her
This is unquestionably the most important position in the hash. The Beermeister has the weighty responsibility
of making sure that the lifeblood of hashing is available at each and every hash event. (S)he keeps constant vigilance to find the cheapest
spirituous fermenti available, always has coolers in the trunk of his car, cases of beer in his garage, and reliably returns the empty keg
to get another full one for the next hash. While this might be a “pain in the ass” job, it’s undoubtedly the most important one to the hash.
Hash Cash : Wiener Breath, Lefty Loosey, Bend Over Rover
The holder of the purse-strings. Someone needs to dash about the start of each hash begging for money. Someone has
to keep track of what comes in and what goes out (commonly referred to as “the old in and out.”) These generally unappreciated duties fall
on the shoulders of the Hash Cash. This trustworthy soul must withstand the whining of the Hares who have overspent, the whimpering of those
who forgot their fees, and the interrogations of those who mistakenly think there should be some sort of accounting for hash funds.